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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.